Having bits of shit on your ass sucks. Especially when you have, let's say limited opportunities to shower. Fuck it, even if you do shower all the time like you used to when you had a job and all that bullshit, having shit on your ass between shitting and showering is bullshit anyway. Not to mention, remember that case of ringworm you had? It probably wasn't ringworm. Especially since it doesn't go away when treated. It's probably irritation from the unecessarily-bleached chemically-laden toilet paper you been using all your life. Set your ass free, baby. All you need is your own soap and a water bottle, which you should already have in your backpack. And if you're poor, you should definitely have a backpack.
So let's start with the basics: you will be touching your own shit. That's a tough pill to swallow. Good thing you don't have to swallow it. But you will also be walking around with a fucking super clean asshole. Like the Indians used to do, before they started copying us. I mean Indian Indians. Not Indigenous peoples. They always used toilet paper. They had it before the Europeans did. It was made out of tree fibres and dreams of a civilized life. Where they could pollute everything, treat each-other like shit, read the bible, and manufacture what they used to find for free in the bush. Right. Ok whatever it was that traditional peoples did to clean their asses long ago up in here, it's probably the same as what Indians from India still do now, for the most part. Use their fuckin' hands. And then they do this magical thing called washing their hands. So... who's grosser? If you go to India, you get this peculiar stare from all the locals, and it's easy to imagine them thinking "oh my god, there's those gross motherfuckers who use toilet paper... I wouldn't want to go down on them right next to that forest of bits of shit and paper... no fuckin' way." They really are thinking that when they look at tourists... they're thinking "omg not only do they do that, but they think we're gross for not doing that." No wonder they hate the British. It's not the colonization and all that bullshit, it's the toilet paper.
So how do you clean your ass in a public toilet or some ghetto soup kitchen toilet or your poor-ass apartment or out in the bush with no fucking toilet paper? Well, simply put, you soap up one of your hands, traditionally it's the left hand, and you wash your ass with that hand, trying not to get bits of shit stuck in your fingernails, and then you use the water bottle to rinse your ass, using your washing hand to kind of direct the flow of water, and it's getting washed off at the same time, and then you go ahead and dry your ass on whatever (it's clean now, so go ahead and use the inside of the bottom of your shirt, who fuckin' cares, you're too broke to afford toilet paper remember?), and then you wash the shit out of your hands. Literally. So it means, in your backpack, or next to your sink or wherever, you gotta have soap. If soap's in a backpack, it's gotta be in a bag. Obviously. And you have a bigass water bottle. Not a little 1L one. You want a big motherfucking water bottle, because this is one of those situations where you don't want to run out of water. If you can't afford soap, you know what? Coffee grounds. Used coffee fucking grounds. Or, whatever, shampoo. But seriously, coffee grounds. They're magical. They have a great combination of acid and oil (and of course, they're rough, so they exfoliate) that clean stuff up real good.
And why not just have the water pouring over whatever's a little higher up while you're at it? Might as well rinse out them genitalia... the water's hitting them first and then hitting your ass area afterwards... so everything gets a bit cleaner, and stays a bit cleaner. It's a fucking pain in the ass having to shower yourself every day, or trying to keep clean while not being able to shower yourself every day, and let's face it, if you're on the streets, every single time you shower is a great time to get assaulted. Or robbed. Or humiliated. Or stressed out. Or rushed, or whatever. If you don't have to be cleaning the shit out of your shit, you can focus on the rest of your body, and get done quicker, when you are actually in the shower.
Another little tip that'll save you trouble, and this one's about your armpits: baking soda. Not easy to find. But a dollar's worth from the dollar store, stashed somewhere in the bush or wherever you stash your stuff, with a little bit at a time being stored in a little container in your backpack, is fucking indispensable. Mix it with some coconut oil or some essential oils or your own sweat, whatever you got, and applied to them underarms. Use it as a follow-up to deodorant... it'll make it actually work! Not too much, because it will irritate that area if you use too much. And you don't have to use much. Go ahead and use it even if you don't have the chance to wash under your arms first. Whatever's already going on under there, it'll make it better. Baking soda, baking powder, whatever. It's magical. It's chemistry. It inhibits the growth of bacteria and destroys the bacteria that's already there. Throw it on and smell yourself an hour later. You'll be like where the fuck did half of that smell go? A couple hours after that? Where the fuck did the rest of the smell go? What in the what? You'll be like... oh shit. I smell better. Same thing with your feet. Chuck some baking soda in your socks. Chuck some more in your shoes. You'll be like omg. Omfg. You won't have to shower as much, and when you do shower, you can take less time in the shower, and you can focus on your fucking hair. Your beard. Your legs. Your back. All that shit. If you take care of your "priority" spots as you go every day, you'll have less to worry about. Survival bullshit.
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