Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Food security never tasted so good!

It's funny that, in all of Canada's major cities, Toronto has the worst restaurants and the best soup kitchens.

Any other place, you run out of cash, it's time to steal. Just go into grocery stores and stuff shit under your jacket, buy one thing, ask some staff fucker where something else is, and just STEAL. Because that's it. That's your option. In Vancouver if you run out of money, it's peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for life... or grocery theft. Of course as soon as you have a few bucks, you can get wicked pizza or some dirt-cheap amazing Sushi, or in Montreal a nice vegan burger for $1.50, but in Toronto, somehow, $5 gets you more indian smokes than bites of food, but when you're broke, all of a sudden you're eating like a king.

Nobody eats better than Toronto's homeless. Not the Bay St. Boys, not the New Media douches in Liberty Village, not the hairdressers in Yorkville, and not the burnouts in the East side, it's the crusty, crazy homeless weirdos (and a few young hosers that got caught in the crossfire and are too ballsy to sit around and get skinny) who eat well.

It makes little to no sense, but somehow it works well with the rest of Toronto's ethos - a figure-it-out-for-your-fuckin-self, supposed-to-be-hard, safe-as-the-womb, big, gritty and griddy, omg-it's-gonna-be-so-tough (oh-wait-a-sec-this-is-easy) type of place.

And it's not even because of the government. It's because of the Christians. Isn't that incredible? After all the bullshit they have to deal with, not being hip and all that, they actually come out and get charitable. The Christians and... the lawyers? What's the score with them lawyers feeding the hungry? I guess it'll become obvious this Wednesday.

And apparently some free meals for the students around the edu districts. But fuck them. They blew their OSAP on booze. We might have blown our welfare moneys on booze, but they blew their OSAP. That's your education. Welfare is like, no matter what happens you're not affording rent and food on that shit, and they know an alkie when they see one. Half of us aren't even on anything: no welfare, no wages, no OSAP, no loans from parents, no sugar mamas, no sugar daddies, just skimming close to zero for months and fucking months, WTF do we do, how do we get the occasional dollar? Welfare office pieces of shit think we're hiding some stacks of cash because we can't produce proper banking information, acting like PC Financial will just give us a printout - hello, stupid fucks: they close that shit down if you don't deposit money. They charge $15 to take two weeks to send you a fucking receipt saying you deposited. They will not print you shit. Online Banking produces what you'd get if you did it up in Word yourself - no useful confirmation numbers, no unforgeable graphics...

If I have zero dollars and I get a cheque for two hundred for some bullshit work I did two weeks ago, and my rent is a week and a half late, yeah sure I'm gonna deposit it so the bank can take $20 of it for a late fee, make me wait a week, and then make me spend $2.50 and chance my stolen bank card not working so that I can have a paper trail, instead of taking it to money mart and getting my rent payed right away.

Yeah fuckin' right. If we wanted to hide money, the evidence wouldn't be a sketchy banking situation. Or no banking situation. Or not being able to get the proper printouts for stuff. There has to be an easier way to prove poverty. Maybe just trust us and then audit a person every once in awhile just by following them out of the fuckin' welfare office and watch to see if they start picking up cigarette butts and rolling a smoke out of the extra tobacco in them. Then you can fuck off and trail somebody else because you know - that's a fuckin' poor person. That's us. You don't even sit around in a welfare office for hours, track all over town for paperwork, and then do it all over again, unless that is the only possible way of getting the five hundred bucks that is going to save your ass - if you also go to soup kitchens for every single meal.

Fuckin' piece of shit Canadian government doesn't give a shit, we spit on them together. Thanks for the useless PDFs ya cunts, rot in hell, the Christians care about us and slowly we're starting to see the grace that surrounds us and it's healing our hearts. With our bellies full we can start to think about love and kindness and mysticism, instead of just groaning about how this really is the bottom and there's nothing at the bottom but more blackness.

How come the Christians have to work like dentists pulling teeth all day and night, trying to get donations from a kind-but-also-impoverished public, when the government spends billions every day on marketing campaigns about how great the North American Energy Exchange (Tar Sands Cunts) really is, Billions on gas subsidies to keep our carbon cheap, our plastic cheap, our everything-that-is-evil super duper cheap??? New bus shelters that you have to back out of, go around, and then somehow squeeze in front of - to get onto that shit? To pay $3 to get hassled about not having a transfer five blocks away? Fuck the TTC, the local Gov't... omg, hands up in surrender, thank god for St. Steven's, Scot Mission, Good Shepherd, I mean fuck the Salvation Army for being homophobic cunts and trying to charge $2.50 for a hot meal - who do you think you are, I can get a Burger King burger any day of the week if I felt like spending $2 on food - at this point, that $2 is 1/4th of a bottle of sherry... hateful homophobic bastards... but hey the folks at St. Felix, oh my gosh those nuns are wonderful! Gangsters over on Jarvis, just south of Queen there, maybe that's a Sally-Anne, I don't think so, forget about Metro United, douches at #211 won't stop talking about it, dudes it's NO LONGER HAPPENING... but oh no, you can't give the gods at #211 updates, they just pretend you weren't asking about that place two minutes ago... but really, they're a useful source for the beginnings of this calendar and map.

But really, the deal is, you have to get a list of these places, and then go to them, and talk with other broke-ass people, and talk with the staff, and talk with the crazies on the corner, and the random dudes in wheelchairs, and the fucked-up guys sitting outside, because they'll tell you what else is going on and where else. You have to get a pad and a piece of paper and big ears and not stare at too much shit.

Why do the endlessly charitable Christians have to take up the slack that the Government, on all levels, just keeps making sure gets even looser?

We need to help the Christians do what they do, and make sure the Government knows that they owe the Church like the vagina owes the clit, like the penis owes the balls, like a child owes its parents.


  1. you are a genius - this is amazing. thx for putting it together

  2. NO PROBLEM!!! Spread the word and let us know if anything's inaccurate! I just removed a few pieces of bad info from the calendar.